The Warmth is Sometimes Tucked into a Moist Rocky Gap Called The Hometown

An accident happen a few weeks ago. It is about my family there, my mom. For the detail i wont tell the story but this things push me to go home. Actually i cant mention it home anymore. Let me call it my parent's house. You can see from my late post, i have ever live in a small city in east java called Lumajang. Not a city that can you imagine perfectly when i detailed about it but almost 20 years of my life is spended there. Almost married there, almost got some job there, and almost ending my life there. Time flows like a river, so do destiny. Push me go away from that city and start a new white paper of life.

Taking a morning train

She is the one and the only one woman who never betray me. When i know an accident happened to her, i know it is time to me to go there. Push myself from being apathetic about that little city to be more  strong enough to visit that city. My work stop me for a while. There are some work that need me to be done. Stay a few week in tegal and wait. At least there is a call for me to go to tugu in trenggalek city. I know it is the time for me to go to Lumajang from trenggalek. Move my body to tegal station and go away to madiun station before a car from tugu drive me to Trenggalek.

This is a very long journey. I know this would be a time travelling of memories since 2016 i work there as a college internship. Tugu is a dam project in trenggalek east java. As a very big project with a variety trouble in the field, it need much more time than others. Since 2014 til 2019 it is not done yet. I go there in 2016 and they still collecting some material and fix the foundation. About 3 years later i go there everything start to go up with the main dam from burrow of land.

Tugu DAM Project

Many story happen here. But some memories seem fade away. I remember some hill that i ever climb around the dam project site, i remember the top and the journey but i never remember which hill. I remember an old man give me water in that journey but harder i try to remember they always fade out. I know we cant choose which memories that remembered clear in our brain or the memories that fade out. The air, dry. The trees not to dense. The place i ever sleep still the same. Time travelling hurt my brain than calculate the design.

That day we have to discuss about the main dam and the spillway structure. I learn a lot on that discuss. It was a big structure and amaze by that structure. From a paper and excel calculation become a very great structure. The another things is explotion to break the stone. There are some places that need to be explode by dynamite in a project such as a massive stone area. Exavator cannot lift it and stone breaker need a lot of time. So the best way is using this explotion. Bum!!!! The smaller stone fly higher and then everything done. Only about 2 second everything done and exploded. Exavator start to go down and dig the smaller part of stone.

Remembering everything that ever done here is satisfied. I remember some people that supporting me when i study here. We take care each other while stay on the same house. Talk about everything happen and study together. 3 months, but its a very beautiful memories. No cell phone, no internet connection but everything still okay that time. No one gonna call me asking about design or something else. This time travel to a good place. But tomorrow it will gonna be hard. A place that i ever called it home about almost entire of my life. A good place actually, but with no good memories.

5 A.M, me and my boss start to travel from Trenggalek to Tulungagung. The weather still feel so cold, but the sun start to arise on the east. We go to tulungagung by car project, transported by their driver. Even thought my travel still so long. There are several way to go to Lumajang city from Trenggalek. South way or North way. If you choose south way, so you n000st road or in my country called TOL. It better to North way. Because i choose north way and my boss going to Surabaya too, we travel together until surabaya.

4 hours from Tulungagung and we arrive in Surabaya. My boss go to airport and i looking for the bus going to Lumajang. As long as i see i know everything change here. A few years ago i travel to this purabaya bus station in Surabaya. My brain picture of this place is very different. We need to walk to bus area when we looking for the bus that we need to catch up. But now? Everything changed. Just go to the second floor, see the sign where are you want to going than get the correct bus. No need to go down the street or getting hit by bus, everything more safety now. The cleaness? Its absolutely clean now. The government capable to control the street merchant.

I get the bus with last transit jember. Its a fast type of bus, the seat is good, the air is good, the smell is fine. Everyone can enjoy this kind of bus. But every kilometer we get to Lumajang my heart feel so hurt. I know my family there, i know i need to meet my mother, i know i needed there. But there is a black space in my heart that push another organ to feel hurt. Black material in the bottom of my heart. But you know, i always fast getting tired when feel this kind of feeling. Another half hour and i get slept. Hoping that my sleep always dark as dark as the bottom of my heart.

When i awake its already in Lumajang bus station. I cannot think well for a while. Go to a mart and buy a single shot of coffee then i call my father. He will get me. I see a few people that familiar to me. But you know i always afraid to accidently see people i dont wanna to see here. Get my head and my eyes down and hope i get to my home as soon as possible. in some history, it tell us a man can hate the entire city, entire country, altough entire world because of pain in the heart. i know exactly that it was a bad things, but we cannot refuse our feel. it can only muted for a while in a few moment. but when i arrive here, when i feel a little bit far away from my family and my bestie here, i feel full of hate. maybe it is only my dark side of life, i never too think about it, my brain always say nevermind and enjoy your life here.

A huge love in a picture (mom)

the strongest human that i ever know. she is my mother. a simple village woman, only have school until junior high school, never go to another country. but what i always most remembered until this time is when me or my brother get hurt by another people, she could roll the world to cure us. simple village woman that become my hero. light of the darkness when i fall down to deep. after a big crash that happen to her, she welcome me with a big wide smile. i know she always strong, i know she always act as a hero in front of her child. the funny thing? i always act like a baby boy infront of her. when i go fight against the world, working, going an adventure, i go everywhere bravely but it is always funny when i can feel the most safe place in the world is here. with my mother, in the goddamned city i ever know.

A few days i spend my time here. Meet a few friends, best friends i think. One of them grow up with me in same school since elementary school till same university. One of them become a very cool manager in a city football club. They have a very totally different life than me. They have their own life problem. Watching my bestfriend here become success, i think that make my spirit goes on. Why not, i have my engineer life vednture myself. Make a big company one day i think its not a bad idea. Shoulder to shoulder with my best friends one day when the time come a moment i feel tired with this engineering life. Now just let the time flows.

I give a washing machine to my mother in tthe last day. When her rib broken and cannot take a big activity for a while, another things my father cannot waste clothes as clean as my mother did, so buying a wasing machine is not a bad idea. Let me tell you one of the greatest satisfaction. See your people who you loved happy. See their smile is a sweetest thing i ever know as a human. I give a lot because i can arrive in this place by being helped by a lot of people around me. So when you can help people you will get a feel, "ah my life is not in vain".

Lets jump the time, i have a little fear when i stay in this city, so i spend my whole day playing with my little sister in home or watching TV, it is not a good story to tell. In a night, me and my best friend stay on a cafe. Its a new cafe i ever know because it have a concept  a cafe near a river and a bridge. Red bridge, thats how they named this bridge. This bridge is one of the biggest concrete bridge in this city. Huge truck and bus get through this bridge to jember city or to a big sand and gravel minning. Talk each other in this cafe sometimes disturbing by a big venicle machine voices  but over all this cafe has a good idea to developed. We talk about agung graduation there. Okay i have a friend, one of my elementary school friend that graduated tomorrow. So we decided go to Surabaya city and see agung's graduation. In another hand, my office start to call me over and over and  ask me to getting back as soon as possible. It little bit hard if we want to back to tegal city from Lumajang because there are no train to get there directly. So when we have a schedule to Surabaya i think it help me out too from this problem.

Best Friends

I always remember that time. Meet much of my senior high school friend. I always remember that my senior high school time is a part of my life time that absolutely i remember how happy i am. No money, no heavy things on my shoulder, just play and enjoy the day. Go to school, study, just that. No worries about the future. And i always being realize how deep i fall when now i hate the things from an entire city. The next thing i know just go out from a some group of chat. They connect me to something i did not want know anymore.

Every part of a story always be a bad story if it fill with a bad memories. So yes, i write this pharagraph about 4 or 5 months since that days. My memories start to blur when trying what actually happen that day and the point of my story now.  Some of them feel so bad and i feel bad if i remember how i need to go to meet my parent in that city. A few months after that i meet my parents several times but we meet each other in the different city. The last thing i remember is me and my best friend make a party night at a hotel. It is not a good story anymore but let me finish write all of my brain that can remember. 

Try a Surabaya's Milk

We go to high class hotel. 5 stars i think, and order the best room. We gather money from others than a room with 2 bed and 1 livibg room fill with about 12 man hahaha. Start a party and a night story of ghost, a legend story, and many things complicated. Taking a bath with a hot water in a bathtub. Hahaha. I always remember in the morning when just me and 2 of my best friends left, everybody already start their day. I wait my train at 13.00 then leave from the hotel at 11.00. Take a food in a cafe then go get back to tegal. Start my working day. I know it never be my holiday but if i can tell a story it always like a holiday if you work hard about all of your time. Then when you have a tiny time left to meet the people who you enjoy with, it is your holiday time.

I need about 4 -5 months to finish this story. No adventure left in my last 23 age. And now i am 24. This story end with a big memories about my parents and my best friends  i dont even care anymore to the city i ever live, i dont even care anymore avout the country, about the world. This would be happen if you at 24th and already seeing the bad of the world.

B E R O X

"I'm always afraid of change. I'm afraid the band I like is breaking up. I'm afraid the world will change. I'm afraid the people I love turn away. but when the world stops for a moment and lets me think, in the end I'm the one who changes a lot." YRI